I saw the enemy of American excellence on television last night…John Shuster.
I had hoped that he would fall away in infamy after the debacle of Vancouver 2010.
But no. John Shuster has either come back for redemption or the complete implosion of another US Olympic Curling team heading to Sochi.
Do you not know who John Shuster is? He is the skipper for the US Men’s Olympic Curling team and the shame of America.
Long story short, John Shuster choked so badly in Vancouver, especially on February 18th, that he single handedly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
And it is thanks to John Shuster that I learned that Wikipedia has a history feature that you can see the old edits of pages. The only thing that helped me recover from the national embarrassment of John Shusters display was the fact that I was not alone and those angered by his performance were pithy and humorous.
The following is a compilation of old edits from Wikipedia:
John “chokey mcchokestein” Shuster (born November 3, 1982, died February 18, 2010) is an American curler from Chisholm, Minnesota and Olympic medalist.
Nicknamed “The Largest Choke Artist Alive”, Shuster distracts his opponents with horrible shots and general terrible overall play. He is known for folding under pressure situations and never making clutch, let alone easy, shots. He received a bronze medal at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino.
He participated on the American team at the 2003, 2005, 2006 and 2009 World Curling Championships.
Shuster curls out of the Duluth Curling Club. As a young boy Shuster was interested in other sports, such as golf and baseball. During the memorable 1996 Masters event, he served as a caddy for Greg Norman.
Shuster won the 2010 United States Olympic Curling Trials and is representing the United States at the 2010 Olympic Games in Vancouver.
In a side note, in 2008 Shuster attempted to commit suicide. Unsurprisingly to those who know him and have watched him play, he failed at the attempt; Shuster used a gun and once again completely messed up the shot.
Shuster’s 2005 college roommate stated that he only bought Shuster a shot once. He said that after the first attempt, he never trusted Shuster with a shot ever again.
Shuster has come to be known as the biggest choke artist of the 2010 Winter Olympics, and is the lone reason the USA curling team has not won a single game this Olympics.
John Shuster has single handedly ruined the USA chances to compete for the gold. He missed 3 final shots that could have been made by a one armed, one legged, brainless monkey.
After the lost to Denmark, Shuster’s fiancee officially denounced their relationship, stating that he would have failed as a husband down the line sooner or later.
Shuster’s father is currently disappointed.
Upon John’s pathetic performance at the 2010 games, he has decided to retire from the sport. And an hero.
Shuster said he draws inspiration from Bill Buckner, Brad Lidge, Scott Norwood, and the city of Cleveland.
He currently works as a quality control specialist for Toyota.
Every time I think of the mockery that John Shuster made of US Curling I take a look at his old Wikipedia pages and get a chuckle. It is only curling after all.
But the funniest part didn’t even come from contributors of his Wikipedia page but rather by the editor of Wikipedia himself. After every edit to a page a place is left to note what changes were made and why.
After continually having to remove the “colorful” commentary from Shuster’s page the editor eventually made a notation stating this:
Officially denounced by Wikipedia, classic.
In seriousness I do hope Shuster can get his act together and make up for his complete and utter failure in Vancouver. I mean, the team didn’t win their first game until Shuster was BENCHED. They might have still medaled if he stayed on the pine but no…they put him back in without the aid of a Heimlich maneuver and the rest was history.
On the bright side, if he does wilt away under the pressure i’m sure his Wikipedia page will once again be an amusing place to lift my spirits.
UPDATE: As of February 13th John Shuster has not failed to disappoint at being a total and utter disappointment. US Men’s Curling are 1-3 thanks to Shuster’s anemic play at skip.
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